| (Copyright 2006) by Richard Markland (London, Ohio) |
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| How many today will experience the loss of a loved one for the first time? Since it is Labor Day weekend, car accidents will take the lives of many and tears will be shed for the first time in a way never before experienced. Halfway around the world, Steve Irwin, the well-known modern day “Crocodile Dundee”, is a name everyone is seeing or hearing today. His wife no doubt felt as if someone dumped a truck load of bricks on her as she was traveling in Tasmania. They were worlds apart when it happened. I tried to imagine the startled look of shock on her face when she was told the news of her husband’s death. The understanding by those who read of such an account is also worlds apart when it comes to the reaction of hearing of such a death. For those who never have experienced a loss, I don’t relate to what they are thinking. Every time I hear or read of a death; it is one more person who has to travel the loneliest road in the world. Death stretches a person’s sanity as far as anything can. It takes a person into a world unlike any other. What is seen and experienced can’t be explained by the person who shares personal thoughts on such a journey. For someone who has never experienced the loss of a loved one, it is the equivalent of trying to teach someone French without the person being told what the English word is before translating it. The world I now live in is a planet that exists in the “Twilight Zone”. I’ve met Rod Serling along the way. I have been in a few of his episodes he has created for me. Mine are mostly a series of insane moments when I am in a darkened room without a way to escape. It is a pit as deep as any can be. My echo has reverberated off the walls of my prison, but many times there hasn’t been an answer. It’s the loneliest feeling in the world. Of course, for everyone who immediately wants to tell me that God understands doesn’t realize how He allows the darkest moments to come along. Grief in all its glory has to be experienced in order to understand what true grief is. Sadness, depression and tears are a part of everyday life, but it depends on what nerve is touched at any particular moment. Even thoughts of suicide can be a part of the insane healing process. I’ve had them. I even had one moment when I placed 24 sleeping pills in front of me and I asked God why I shouldn’t take them. I had to do this in order to understand what I was going through. There have been some very looooow moments. I have suffered from severe depression ever since Linda died. I have cried out to God for help, but I honestly feel that I am sometimes on the verge of insanity because nothing is the same. The color of Red or Blue is no longer as it was two years ago. Everything is now symbolic in so many ways because I put my feelings into words. Poetry is my heart speaking. Most people in mental institutions are artistic. They are people who have not been satisfied with what life has dished out. They are overachievers and are never satisfied with who they are or what they do. I am one of the people I have just described. I have been this way all my life. Do I want to be this way? No, but God knows of the struggles I face each day and how my mind never stops thinking. Linda’s death has aggravated the problem I have always struggled with. Living alone doesn’t help either. It’s been amazing to hear some of the advice I have been given. There have been tidbits of wisdom from those who understand, but others have made me wish I had a lemon pie to decorate their face with. I never had a clue these types of people existed before experiencing this. If I admit that I feel I am losing my mind, I feel better because I am being honest with myself. Perhaps to the person reading this, I may be told to get a grip. I really have although you may not think so. I’ve gripped so tight trying to get through each day that my knuckles turn white from holding on to my sanity. If people who give wrong advice only knew how they would react if they were in my shoes. It takes months and years to recover from a loss. I have come to the conclusion that no one can tell me what to do with my life or how to face each day. By not listening to the advice of others, I may feel I am crazy, but at least I am willing to admit it. ————————————————————————————————————- See Richard Markland’s other articles at: Markland, Richard – Church of God, Bismarck (church-of-god-bismarck.org) ————————————————————————————————————- |
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