| (Copyright 2023) by David Antion (Pasadena, California) |
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| What are I-Messages and how do you use them? Many people have heard of the term, “I-Message” because it has been very popularized in books and articles dealing with child rearing and marriage counseling. However, most people know little about when to use them and even less about how to do so. Criticism The most used procedure for getting people to change some behavior is criticism. Universally, around the world people hold to the common belief that if you want someone to change, all you have to do is criticize them. What is criticism anyway? Generally, we think of criticism as something harsh. But here we may define it as merely pointing out a fault. It can be as simple as telling a person their shoe is untied or as severe as calling them a name as a result of their behavior –“cry baby”. Thus, if you want your son to work faster, you say, “You’re too slow” or “Slow poke!” If you want your daughter to lose weight you just call her “fatso” or “tubby” or “fat pig”. People really believe that criticism is the way to get people to change their behavior or habits. How does this belief in criticism perpetuate itself? First, it works — sometimes! Almost everyone has changed something as a result of criticism at some time in their life. Let’s take a typical example. Suppose you are wearing an article of clothing that has a tear in it. Your mother, spouse, or friend says, “Your pants have a hole in them.” As a result of that statement, you will probably go and make a change. Or, if a person says, “You’ve got a leaf in your hair.” You’ll probably brush it out. And one of the most common ones is this: Sitting across from you at dinner a person points to his/her own face to let you know you have food on yours and immediately you will wipe your face clean and probably even ask for more help to be sure you got it all off. These forms of criticism work. As a result, people feel it will work in other areas. But notice, all these forms work well because they are in areas where a person is more than willing to change. Forms of Criticism Name calling is one form. But there are other forms of criticism. For instance, a specific command is a form of criticism. “Go and change that shirt.” “Don’t put your feet on that couch.” While these are expressed as commands they are forms of criticism. Lectures and logical arguments are forms of criticism. “Now, Johnny, you know it isn’t right to put your feet up on the couch.” Or “Johnny, can’t you see how dirty the couch will get if everyone were to put their feet on it?” Moralizing is also a form of criticism. It goes something like this: “Johnny, you know you shouldn’t put your feet on the couch. It’s not the right thing to do.” The most destructive forms of criticism are ridiculing and blaming. “You are a sinner, and do you presume to teach us?” Or, “You are just plain stupid to have done that.” There are other forms of criticism, but these are enough examples for you to get the general picture. Stopping the Change When criticism is used too often it is not only not effective it actually can stop the change it was meant to bring about. Think back on your own experiences. When a person tries to get you to change by constantly pointing out your faults, do you really change? Probably not. There seems to be a psychological mechanism working in us that wants others to see that we are trying to be good and for the most part we are willing to do good too. But when another person tries to change us, we often refuse to do what they are pointing out. This is so, partly because we know we will get absolutely no credit ourselves. Another reason we rebel is that we don’t want to be someone else’s puppet — pulled around by the strings any time they choose. I-Message vs. Criticism Social scientists have found when you want another person to change his or her behavior, there are words to say that have the highest probability the person will change and the lowest probability that the relationship will be hurt. After all, one of the concerns you have in talking to a person about their behavior is whether they will get upset at you or not. Many people are so afraid of upsetting their friend or relative that they won’t say anything about that person’s behavior even though the behavior is bothering them greatly. Thus, to find a way to say things that has a high probability that the other person will change with a low probability that they will become upset and end the relationship ought to be a welcomed discovery. When to Use I-Messages An I-Message is most effective when the other person’s behavior has some practical effect on you. It is least effective when the other’s behavior has no tangible effect on you. For example, suppose your spouse has gone to bed and you have stayed up watching TV for a while. When you finished you come back to the bedroom where there is another smaller TV and decide to turn it on while you get ready for bed. Even though you turn it down low, it wakes up your spouse. Your spouse is rightfully angry and says, “Shut off that TV!”. Now notice that this is not an I-Message. It is a command. How would you feel if your spouse said that to you? Or “You are the most inconsiderate person in the whole world!” This is not an I-Message either. It’s a blaming, name-calling message. This type of response from your spouse is likely to make you feel angry and defensive. You might end up saying to yourself, “I am not the most inconsiderate spouse…you ought to be married to So and So and you’ll see what inconsiderate is!” But what if your spouse gave you a three part I-Message? Part one: The non blameful description of what just happened. For example: “When you come into the bedroom and turn on the TV after I’ve gone to sleep, it wakes me up…” Part two: How you feel. For example: “…and I feel upset and angry…” Part three: The practical effect. For example: “…because I will be awake for hours and I’ll be tired and inefficient at work tomorrow.” Putting the whole I-Message together, we have “When you come into the bedroom and turn on the TV after I’ve gone to sleep, it wakes me up and I feel very upset and angry because I’ll be awake for hours and will be tired and inefficient at work tomorrow.” Notice, please, what the I-Message does not say. It does not say to shut the TV off. It does not say that you are a bad person, or ridicule you in any way. It leaves the solution up to you. It gives you the credit for being a reasonable and responsible human being. Do I Messages Always Work? Hardly anything always works. However, when stated like the above I-Message it usually works. Ask yourself how you would feel if you had been given the above I-message? You would probably say you are sorry and that you behaved thoughtlessly and inconsiderately and ask for forgiveness. You might even offer to do whatever you could to help your spouse get back to sleep as quickly as possible — including a massage or rubdown. However, what if you were to ignore your spouse’s I-Message? Suppose you just said, “That’s tough!” or “Too bad.” or “I don’t care if it wakes you up!” Tell me, then, how much would you care for your spouse if you reacted like that? You are really saying that you do not care enough about your spouse’s welfare to change your behavior at all. I don’t know about you, but I’m sure there are plenty of people in this world who do not care about me. But I don’t have to be married to one of them. Would you want your spouse simply to ignore you when you explained how his/her behavior was hurting you in some practical way? Decent people do not want their actions and behaviors to hurt another person. Think of how you do when you walk into the middle section of a movie theater. You may have to pass a number of people and step in front of them. Now and then you may tramp on someone’s foot and even before they can say, “Uhhh!” you may say, “Oh, excuse me.” or “Pardon me.” I-Messages Take Practice You can learn how to give I-Messages by practicing them regularly. Just take a note pad and each day write down ten I-Messages. Believe me, you will find all kinds of occasions when you could use an I-Message. Here are just a few practice I-Messages: “Mary, when you take folders off my desk without telling me, I get really frustrated, because I spend valuable time looking all over for them.” “Sam, when you put your briefcase on my car, I get so concerned I can’t concentrate on what you’re telling me because I’m afraid the case will scratch my new paint job.” “Sue, when you tell me you’ll pick me up at work and show up 2 hours late, I really get upset and frustrated because I just had to sit there and waste time.” Definitions of Parts A practical or tangible effect is when the behavior affects your health, time, money, reputation, your possessions, children, spouse, job. A feeling is just how you feel. Perhaps you don’t know many feeling words — here are a few: upset, irritated, hurt, excited, frustrated, confused, flustered, exasperated, blue, down, angry, tripped out, fired up. The non blameful description is just a way to describe what the other person’s behavior is without putting labels like “stupid, dumb, crazy, inconsiderate, born in a barn, bad, wrong, evil, rotten” etc. Please review again the examples given and do your best to practice the I-Messages. You can use them whenever another person does something that has a negative practical effect on you. Whenever there is not practical effect to another person’s really frustrated because I spent valuable time looking for them. “Joe, when you park behind me and put your keys where I can’t find them in the morning, I become irritated and upset because I become late for work and get written up.” When They Don’t Work I-Messages are not likely to work well when there is no tangible effect. It is hard to get others to change when their behavior has no effect on you. For example, “When you wear red sweaters, I really get upset and angry because…” Now what is the practical effect? How does a red sweater hurt your finances, health, reputation, possessions, loved ones, etc.? Therefore, the other person is likely to say, “If you don’t like it, just don’t look at it.” Or “I’m not hurting you and I have a right to wear any color I choose.” Positive Loving Uses You can use the first two parts of the I-Message to share loving messages of warm feeling. For example: “When you hold my hand, I feel really close and loving to you.” Notice the non-blameful description starting with the word “when” and how you feel. Another example: “When you call me during the day, I feel loved and cherished.” Again, only the two parts but used in a positive way to appreciate positive behaviors! Put I-Messages to use in your life. Make more peace and harmony around you as a result. —————————————————————————————————– See David Antion’s other articles at: Antion, David – Church of God, Bismarck (church-of-god-bismarck.org) Reprinted with permission from: Guardian Ministries http://daveantion.com/ —————————————————————————————————– |
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